Do or Do Not - There is No Try

How empowering are the words that you say to yourself? Do you realise which words could be doing you more harm than good? Do the words that you say to yourself give you the leadership drive to be proactive and take action or do they unknowingly hold you back?

Recently I have been doubly reminded of the importance of empowering words. I've just re-surfaced from running a 7 day intensive leadership development programme in Bali where, at one point, we considered the influence of words to empower us and following on from this hot topic, my work colleague happened to send me an email with one little disempowering word in it. This little 3 letter, seemingly harmless word was 'try'.  I know my colleague wanted to be modest so he used the word 'try'. His words were "Thanks for believing in me. Will definitely try."  Having recently discussed the disempowering effect of this word, it alerted me like a siren ringing loudly. In an instant, I was able to quickly empower my colleague by sharing with him the famous Star Wars quote by Yoda:- "Do or do not, there is no try."

"Ok let's do then!" came back the empowering response from my colleague.

Although my colleague is too young to remember Star Wars, he was most impressed with the excerpt I shared with him from the film and now wants to share with students at the universities in Singapore.  It makes me feel good when I can share classics with younger generations and say "I went to see this at the cinema when it first was released!"




What a difference a word can make and it's this difference that can make all the difference.  For example, if you say "I'll try to do my best", how likely will you do it? The word 'try' gives your brain the message that you don't have to do it if you don't want to, or that you may not be able to, so don't do your best.  Whereas if you say "I'll do my best", it's a much more assertive and empowering statement. You've given your brain the message that you have the capability and you've given yourself permission to make it happen.

It's good to be aware of what we say to ourselves. Notice the difference it makes for you by replacing 'try' with 'will' or 'will not', 'do or do not'. It's so simple and yet so effective.

Janet

Breaking Free

Have you ever had one of those moments when it feels good to break free? Or do you long for a moment when your mind can simply be free? When there doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day, it can seem hard to break free. I had a fascinating - somewhat mentally gruelling - and rewarding week, of facilitating a strategic workshop with 18 executives from across the world, training 50 graduates in presenting skills, rounded off by four hours of intensive one to one coaching.  My brain was so tired from concentrating, my mind wanted to switch off and I was ready to break free.

Luckily for me it was Vesak Day in Asia this week, otherwise known as the 'Buddha's birthday'. This public holiday was the perfect opportunity to seize the moment and do something different. Our jeep packed with clothes, towels and swimming gear, we decided to head for the coast on the East side of Bali to a place called 'Candidasa', pronounced 'Chandidasa'. As our aging Toyota jeep struggled up the steep hill to leave our villa, groaning and spluttering to get going, my ipod automatically shuffled up the most fitting song 'I want to break free' by Queen. With a tremendous feeling of liberation, the hot sun beating down on us in celebration, we were breaking free!

After three hours of bouncing through the Balinese countryside on the potholed roads, overtaking the endless stream of motorbikes that were like flies darting all over the place and the chugging, ancient Bali trucks, we finally reached our destination. Feeling extremely hot and tired, with our faces and hands turned black from exhaust fumes and a thick layer of grimy sweat stuck to us like cling film, we were glad to alight from our chariot. I asked for a gentleman called 'Curry' (to remember his name he had told me on the phone to think of chicken...).  He took us to our family room which was basic but clean. The fully air conditioned family apartment turned out to have only one old air-conditioner that tried its best to blast out cold air, but felt more like a hairdryer. The hot and cold water turned out to be cold water only, but for US$60 per night for all 5 of us, breakfast included (which turned out to be very good), we didn't feel inclined to complain.

Early evening we found the ideal secluded beach cove, hidden 6km up the coast (Pasir Pantai Putih - not so much secret, as really hard to find) and reached it via a long, steep muddy track, through the jungle, where en route we could really test out our jeep's four wheel drive. As we arrived, we wondered why most people seemed to be leaving. While walking along the fairytale beach, we were lured by a warung (an Indonesian casual, outdoor restaurant ) owner to stay and have dinner at his bamboo hut. Using a couple of re-cycled, plastic carrier bags (most probably washed up by the sea), he proudly showed us the fish he had caught earlier in the day.  I'm not the sort of person who can identify the perfect fish to eat from a sparkling, clean restaurant aquarium in Singapore, let alone from a used plastic bag on the beach in Bali, so we declined his fine offer. Judging by the dry looking 'pink custard cream' biscuits he put on our table as an appetiser, we decided the safest option - as it usually is - would be to go local and so chose a couple of Indonesian noodle and rice dishes. As dusk fell, and all the warungs closed up, we soon realised we were the only people left. This was obviously more of a day time place. When they brought out candles and a gas lamp to our table, it dawned on us that no electricity was the main reason why the whole beach was deserted.

My 6 year old daughter wanted to go to the toilet which wasn't the best timing, my bare feet on the wet floor in the light of the half moon, made me feel a little uncertain what we were standing in - probably best that we didn't know. We could hear the clanging of the wok, frying up our noodles and rice on a single gas burner, somewhere out the back in the darkness.  The food turned out to be quite tasty and our children loved the experience of eating in near total darkness on a deserted beach.  We had the whole place to ourselves, the owners obviously staying open just for us and no doubt very happy to be making money at that time of the night.  I had broken free, even from electricity, and although I probably wouldn't want to live like the warung owner, he must wake up to a beautiful view every morning and feel free.

It's good to make the effort to break free at times and allow the mind to be free:-

"I know but one freedom and that is the freedom of the mind." 
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

What can you do to break free?

Janet

A Reminder on Enjoying the Moment

Do you ever stop from the 'busyness' of life to enjoy the moment? There's an expression, 'stop and enjoy the smell of the roses'.  How often do you take time to just be present, enjoying the moment and not thinking about anything else?

I had a simple reminder of this on Friday 29th April 2011, with the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, now the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.  Alas, no I wasn't invited to attend the wedding, I did, however, manage to stop to enjoy the moment with my 3 daughters in Bali. Initially, when I heard the news of the Royal Wedding, I thought 'well I won't be in the UK at the time and there's no public holiday in Singapore or Bali, so I'll be working.'  Then, my British friend in Bali said "Wouldn't it be nice if we celebrated the Royal Wedding, so our children can remember this significant event?" So I thought 'why not?'  We can stop to enjoy the moment and celebrate wherever we are.

I took the late flight from Singapore, having worked the week there and arrived in Bali at 1am, ready to enjoy the wedding later on that day.  We couldn't find any British flags to fly, so my friend compromised with red, white and blue balloons and we attempted to make red, white and blue cup cakes which turned out pink, white and brown.  This didn't deter our plan to enjoy and celebrate the marriage of Britain's future King and Queen.

Amazingly, all our children aged from six upwards were transfixed watching the whole of the Royal Wedding.  With tears in our eyes to mark such a memorable occasion and champagne to celebrate, we were glad to take time out and watch as it happened live, rather than use the excuse 'we were too busy' or 'we live in Bali' so we couldn't stop to enjoy the moment.

Live in the present,
Launch yourself on every wave,
Find yourself in each moment .....
Henry David Thoreau

How often do you stop to enjoy the present, rather than being somewhere else in your mind? Make the most of every moment you have, rather than ignoring and missing it before it is too late.

Janet

A Pleasant Surprise

Do you ever let situations or people allow you to limit your belief in yourself? Do you use it as an excuse to procrastinate or not follow what you want to do? Do you allow it to prove to you that you are not so good after all? It's like having a set of demons that can hold you back.

I was reminded of this when visiting the Botanic Gardens in Bali this weekend and so have added a picture of an interesting statue to this week's blog; the 3 storey high statue of the demon kumbakarna.

A few months ago, I wrote an article to be published in the Singapore newspaper, The Straits Times.  I sent the article to an internal contact whom a friend had given me and waited in anticipation for the newspaper to tell me when my article would be published.  This was my first foray in writing for a newspaper and I was hoping the newspaper would be excited to receive my article and publish it without delay, noticing me as a budding journalistic star in the making.

As the months ticked by without a word from the newspaper, not even an acknowledgement from the department responsible for publishing articles, I started to doubt my writing abilities.  At first, I convinced myself that the newspaper must be swamped by articles written by hopeful writers like myself and as the silence continued I further questioned my writing abilities.  Maybe I should just give up as obviously they didn't appreciate my article. I was steadily becoming the victim and allowing some limiting beliefs to kick in about my ability to write. I was even using old experiences to justify why I couldn't write - such as the time when I wrote a poem for Blue Peter (a children's TV programme in the UK) - every week I hoped that my name would be mentioned as one of the winners of the poem competition and every week I didn't get a mention.  Eventually as other winners were announced, I hoped that I would at least receive a Blue Peter badge to post acknowledge my efforts. Every morning I was the first to get the post and every morning, I felt I pang of disappointment as there was no badge, surely they couldn't have known that I did cheat a little and ask an adult to help me. Consequently, I wrote off my writing abilities for Blue Peter and never entered one of their competitions ever again.

Was I going to let this newspaper incident limit my beliefs about my writing abilities as the poem situation had done when I was a child? Not this time. This time I chose to understand what the feedback was telling me.  With the feedback I was able to focus on the resources I had to follow through.  My friend followed up with his contact for me and my article was published in the Straits Times.  None of us were informed and luckily another friend of my friend happened to see the article.  What a nice surprise it was to be told my article was published when I wasn't expecting it to happen.

This simple life lesson reminded me to believe in myself and keep on believing in myself, no matter what could put me off track, delay me from moving forward or stop me from doing what I want to do.

"Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful."
Mark Victor Hansen

Don't let those demons hold you back. 

Janet

I wasn't Expecting That!

The last couple of weeks have been busy. I've been working with CEOs, Department Heads and teams in Hong Kong and Singapore to create Vision, Goals and Action and also coaching several individuals on how to succeed in their personal and professional lives.  I've been 'flying at 60,000 feet' enjoying discussing strategy, facilitating positive outcomes and focussing on what gives me passion and enjoyment:- re-energising organisations and individuals to grow, overcome their limits and achieve what they want. I've haven't been in Bali at all, but Bali has been in touch with me, as if to keep me grounded and to say 'don't forget that life isn't always straight forward and expect the unexpected.' Does this sometimes happen to you? You're making great progress in one direction and at the same time there are some diversions or distractions that call for your attention.

I had it all planned perfectly, my mother-in-law kindly offered to look after our children in Bali, while I was working in Hong Kong and she would fly to Singapore with them so that we could all be together for their school holiday. We briefed my mother-in-law on everything that could possibly happen with customs at Bali airport.  I wrote a set of specific instructions so that nothing could go wrong.  All went well until I received a harassed phone call from my mother-in-law who had been held back with my 3 daughters in a smoke filled immigration office. I tried to explain in broken English, over a crackly telephone line to the immigration official that my daughters' visas were all sorted, but he would have none of it.  My mother-in-law tried the 'I'm British' line, attempted to offer the official a financial incentive (he said he was paid enough thank you) and my 5 year old burst into tears, crying for her Mummy, all to no avail. I had no choice but to try and get in contact with our assistant in Bali who happened to be on leave and flew to a wedding in Java on this particular day.  After some frenzied texting and phoning, I managed to get in contact with her and she spoke to the official in Indonesian.  My eldest daughter re-assured her stressed Grandmother "don't worry, we've been here before with Mummy." This time, however, immigration was in the right and we were in the wrong.  The long and short of the story was that we had to pay a big fine and I was relieved to read the text from our assistant which said 'they have been released Ms Janet', as if they had just got out of jail. I was both relieved and annoyed that my hard earned money was filling the coffers of the complicated Indonesian visa system when we had been misinformed about the visa regulations.
 

While my mother-in-law had been in Bali, she had to deal with a snake with a big frog in its mouth, so big the snake couldn't slip back into it's hole. The house staff promptly killed the snake with a bamboo stick and the frog hopped off with a bit of a wobble and just 3 legs. My mother-in-law was further shocked that the dead snake was thrown over the hedge into the river and the blood was cleared up with a tissue. Then on the very same day, my mother-in-law had to deal with a near drowning situation.  She heard frantic shouting and screaming from the villa next door and discovered the villa staff trying to resuscitate a 3 year old boy who had fallen into the pool.  They were standing him up and rubbing a strange, brownish coloured ointment on his stomach.  Seeing that the boy had swallowed lots of water, she used sign language with the Indonesian staff to lie him in a recovery position. She told them to call 999 for an ambulance and they looked at her blankly of course, a 999 service is a luxury that doesn't exist in Bali.  Instead, our driver took the boy to hospital where they pumped out the water from his lungs. My mother-in-law is now famous in this part of the neighbourhood for having saved a boy's life.

Meanwhile, during all these strange goings on and juggling a hectic workload facilitating key strategic initiatives with multi-nationals, Bali  kept me in touch with the fundamentals of life i.e. garbage. I was trying to understand the complicated matter of why we owed 2 years outstanding garbage collection fees for our villa, when we had been quite happily paying the truck driver on a monthly basis. After many emails (I had to print off the emails in the end to understand the full story), it transpired that the truck driver thought we were giving him a tip (a pretty generous tip!). Putting my justice hat on, I informed our assistant that the driver should be sacked for such an offence. The problem was that there wasn't one driver.  There were several different drivers and amazingly they all thought that we were paying a tip.  If we didn't pay up, the truck owner threatened that he would take this issue to the Head of the Village and make sure that our rubbish wasn't collected. Not happy with this unhelpful response,  I suggested that we use another garbage collection company and was informed that companies outside of our territory were not allowed to do the pick up. Hence I was forced to capitulate and pay a negotiated downwards fee of US$50. I rationalised with myself that at least that wasn't too much money for 2 years garbage collection and there are times when a principled, justice mindset is just my own cultural bias and we have to move on rather than get distracted by these interruptions in our life.

There's an expression that says 'attention goes where energy flows.'  It's good discipline not to get consumed by things that happen to us that we were not expecting.  Instead, find a way to deal with it (in my case I used laughter), move on and direct our energy to things that are worthwhile. Later on in the week, I was pleased and relieved to read in a book called 'Obliquity', by John Kay that 'our objectives are best pursued indirectly.'  Rather than be derailed by interruptions and inconveniences that can happen in our work and life, we can still achieve our goals by continuing to pursue our sense of purpose, values and direction.

As Michael Jordan said:-

"If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up.
Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it."


Janet